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I'm exhausted. And this particular exhaustion seems to be rearing back with the force of, this-has-been-coming-for-years.
January was rough - and February, while slightly kinder, has had its patches. While I'm hard pressed as to why, exactly (and believe me, I did my best to take inventory), I've accepted it.
That, in large part - plus a bit of holiday-induced angst - has been what's kept me away from this space. For a few weeks, there were whole periods where the space inside my brain acted more as a panicked ping-pong match than a place where solutions happen, making the simplest of things - heck, formulating a real sentence - suddenly ridiculously difficult to do.
SO, suddenly the small things - like cooking a peaceful meal to share with the boyfriend, or spending a late morning in bed reading while cuddled up with the pup - were all that mattered.
Though it never feels that way when you're in it - sometimes laying low for a while is to a whole lot of benefit. A few positive things I've noticed about my down-time?
For one, I've had the time and presence of mind to focus on some of the important things that I've let slide since graduating college and being a for-real, full-time adult again, such as my finances. It has also reinvigorated my love for reading, which, let's face it - had been sitting in full-on cold fish status ever since my commencement. It has also renewed in me a desire to be committed to my health and well-being. I spend 40 - 50 hours a week between my two jobs helping people overcome obstacles that rise from various traumatic events, such as being diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, or being manipulated or physically harmed by your intimate partner. Even though self-care is something that we all learn about, and is supposed to come with the territory, I am terrible at practicing what I preach.
SO while I know this is an unconventional Valentine's post - and that my timing is entirely off, and that all of you will be doing your V-day thing - here's just a reminder to be kind to yourself. Remember it's okay to be where you are, and that you are a lovely person. Remember, and even in the worst times, things will open and brighten again.
xo
I love this. I've determined that mid-January-late February tends to be the peak (or nadir, I guess) of my seasonal depression, it's just something that happens for me every year, and I tend to snap out of it as soon as it gets warm and sunny again (i.e., today). Yesterday, I had to tell myself the same thing - "hey, you work 40-50 hrs a week doing crisis/trauma work, it's okay to not be superwoman and to still have FEELINGS or something" and I have the same difficulty in prioritizing my own self-care. Much needed reminders in your post and perfect for the day!
ReplyDeletethis. all of this. and jeni's comment too.
ReplyDeleteit's SO hard for me to find that peace, and that joy, when it's cold and dreary out. it's just how it is. i've spent the last week trying to make meditation a habit. i'm not sure yet if it's right for me, but i'm giving it a real try. i'm focusing as hard as i can on self-care, but i can already tell that it's probably not going to stick because i'm forcing it too much.
i'm so glad to hear that you're reading again--i know how much you love it--and that you enjoyed a calm and quiet day in with the boy and the pup. happy valentine's, k!
xo nicole